Part IV: The God Who Sees

So she named the LORD who spoke to her:“You are El-roi,” for she said, “In this place have I actually seen the One who sees me?” - Genesis 16:13

“Come to Me.” I was eight years old when I first heard the voice of Jesus.

His Words were more of a beckoning than a command. His voice was strong like thunder and gentle like soft rain. They permeated my tainted body and seeped into the darkest part of me. The place that was fastened with silence and shrouded by shame. His Words penetrated the lockbox where the secret lay. The one I was told to keep after ‘the monster’ did unfamiliar things to me. Jesus had been there. He heard the screams lodged in my throat. He saw the confusion washed over my face. He witnessed the ugly way innocence left my body. Now, His invitation to draw near testified to my young soul that He had seen… me. 

I don’t believe Jesus ever stopped seeing me. I’ve felt His unmistakable presence in my life since that day He called out to me as a child. Whether I wisely followed Him or foolishly turned away, I knew He was there. Yet, when deeply grieved by the loss of my parents and brothers, I sought solace in others. I longed for a tangible, physical presence. I wanted to hear stories laced with lessons like Dad told. I needed the sage guidance and gentle reassurance that my Mom had always provided. I longed for my brothers, Stan and Kenny, who could personally understand the pain of losing our parents. But my efforts were pointless. 

I learned that grief comes with an expiration date for some. For the bereaved, no; for those less impacted, certainly. The average human capacity for long-suffering lasts about as long as a cup of coffee stays hot in a snowstorm. The world moves on quickly. It would be a while before I could. The past held history; my family was there. The future after this life was holding promise, and there too, my family. I was suspended in purgatory, stuck between these two realities, praying to be purged from the pain of now existing where my family did not.

Eventually, I came to the end of myself. There, Jesus was waiting. Exhausted, I collapsed and cried, Lord, I am tired. I don’t want to do life my way any longer. I surrender. You said in Your Word: “You will keep in perfect peace those whose mind is stayed on You, because he trusts You.” Jesus, I choose You, this day, for real. I choose to trust You. Please tell me, where do I start? The inaudible voice of the Holy Spirit flooded my consciousness and whispered, “In the Beginning.” Drying my eyes, I focused on my Bible before me and opened it to the first page. This time, I would stop searching for myself in every passage, and instead, look for the One who created me. 

“In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth,” Genesis 1:1. God, the beginning of what? I asked. You have no beginning, You have always existed. So what beginning are You referencing? “Time.” So You created time. This means that You exist outside of time. There was silence. I sat with this revelation until it gave me a headache. I had always assumed time existed. It’s the mechanism by which we measure our existence. To consider a Being with no beginning, no end - One who lives simultaneously in the past, present, and future - was just mind boggling. 

Curious, I continued. God, just who are You? Tell me more about Yourself. What pleases You? What angers You? And just what is this Perfect Plan of Yours that my brother Stan repeatedly professed while dying of cancer? The Holy Spirit whispered, “You will seek Me and find Me when you search for Me with your whole heart.” Hungry, I studied my Bible for hours on end everyday. I devoured verse upon verse, savoring every Word. Unlike eating fish where we chew the meat and spit out the bones, God wastes nothing. There was meaning and underlying messages in every passage, like treasure hidden in a field. The more I searched, digging deeper into the Word, the more the Lord was revealing Himself to me (James 4:8). 

The Lord used His creation story to tell me about Himself. Though I had read it many times, I never studied it until now. The Holy Spirit began showing me God the Father, the first Person of the Holy Trinity. The Living God who is all powerful. The Creator who, in the beginning, commanded, “Let there be,” and it was so. The One who surgically configured worlds with His Words. The Grantor of life who made all living creatures of the air, land, and sea, who said, “Let Us make man in Our image,” then formed man from dust (which He also created). The Life Giver who blew into Adam’s nostrils the breath of life, causing him to live. The First Anesthesiologist and Surgeon, who placed Adam into an induced coma, removed a rib, used it to create a woman, then sutured him back together. The Developer who took note of His handiwork, and declared it both good and very good. The Manufacturer who determined identity, purpose, and responsibility. The Laborer who toiled, then rested from His finished work. The Provider who supplied all needs. The Father who established protective boundaries and lovingly forewarned of the consequences of disobedience. The One True Living God who proved Himself as Faithful, Trustworthy, Righteous, and Holy. 

I could hardly believe my eyes! There He was, hidden in plain sight. I was actually seeing the One who sees me! And the Holy Spirit was just getting started.

Part V: Coming Soon